Paroma. Oh my dear. I love this. I love the chess board imagery. And everything else.

And then you rascal, you. An onion. "Take that you peskies, I heard you say"

Also double brill in my books because your secret additional weapon is the onion stink clinging to your hands until you scrub with 8 Row, Row, Row your boats. That can of tumeric won't know what hit it.